This One Question Could Change How You Carry Your Grief

There was a moment in my grief journey when everything shifted. A single question made me pause, reflect, and begin to see my pain in a new way:

"What is the most generous assumption I can make?"

I first heard this question in a coaching session as part of a program based on Dr. Brené Brown’s work. It’s a question she teaches to help us move through life with more compassion—for ourselves, for others, and even for those who have hurt us.

The Weight of Grief After Suicide Loss

Grief after suicide loss is heavy. And if you're anything like me, you might be carrying more than just the weight of loss...

You might be carrying blame, frustration, unmet expectations, or the exhaustion of trying to understand why.

I used to be so hard on myself—picking apart every choice I made, every sign I missed, every moment I thought I could have changed.

I also struggled with how those around me were grieving.

• Why weren’t they feeling it like I was?

• Why did they avoid talking about it?

• Why did their words, meant to comfort, hurt me so deeply instead?

And then there was my dad.

The questions I had for him, the pain I couldn't hand back, the struggle to make sense of why he left.

A Shift Toward Compassion

But when I started asking myself, "What is the most generous assumption I can make?"—everything softened.

• Maybe I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

• Maybe others are grieving the only way they know how.

• Maybe the people who say the wrong things aren’t trying to hurt me—they just don’t know what to say.

• Maybe my dad wasn’t choosing to leave me, but desperately trying to escape his own pain.

This question doesn’t erase the grief, but it can change how we carry it. It offers room for compassion where there was once only blame.

An Invitation to Reflect

So I want to offer this question to you today:

What is the most generous assumption you can make—about yourself, about those around you, about your loved one?

How might this question soften how you view yourself, others, and the person you lost?

I’d love to hear what comes up for you. If you feel called to share, leave a comment below.

You are not alone in this.

Your friend and coach,
 Ash ❤️